I am... Undefined...

Some stillness of moment thoughts, some are unwanted, others... well, undefined.


Maybe it would've been better if these glances of the ‘moment thoughts’ do not remind me so much of the 'spur of the moment meetings'. The hesitant glances on your way or the few moments you could spare to be with someone you were not supposed to see. The laughter that was there until an unexpected phone call came or you realized what time it was.


Maybe it would have been better not to have had them at all, like I said. Sometimes these thoughts go on uninterrupted, other times I wish they never started. But it always leads to me thinking back about everything, then getting angry, or just leaving me breathless and wondering how I let it go on for so long. Why did I not end everything when my tears were more than I could handle, when life treated me with such indifference that I didn't know where the real me started or the one everyone wanted me to be, began.


Change should happen, sometimes slowly... but my change has been going on for so long that I wish it would end, though I have this sinking feeling that it never will... I adapt, I cry, I scream, but I never stop changing?!


This is as much thought as I can muster without feeling that there is something missing, but too late... I know it is there, the part of me that is missing. If not missing, it is hidden.


Finding that part might be harder than finding myself…